Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Baby Proof



This is what you should be weary of when deciding what to baby proof and what not to.

The Sticky


The majority of the shenanigans when down at either my house or Jessica's because our parents were seldomly home. There was one particular day where the 4 of us were sitting around at Jessica's and we were getting tired of beating each other up. I'm not sure if that's normal for girls to do... but I always got into physical battles with my friends. Not to hurt them it was just our thing. We were all standing in the kitchen (Jessica's bed room was right off of it) and I'm not sure really who started it, but the next thing I know we are all chasing each other around the kitchen with all the sweets you could imagine... we're talking honey, maple syrup, chocolate sauce, any and all super sticky sweet shit! This battle went on until we had all run out of amo, we look around and there was shit splattered all over everything. The once white walls had streaks and smudges of brown and honey gold. At this point we were covered head to toe, it must have been a warm day because I remember we all had shorts on. The reason why I remember this is because we were all cleaning up our mess before Jess's mom got home and the remnants of our food fight was starting to dry so I reached down and pulled my shorts from my leg to stop it from sticking - I screamed, it was like a leg wax I had pulled skin off my leg it was stuck so bad.

We do the best half assed job we could to clean up our mess and then argued about who was hopping in the shower first. Since all of us were in 7th grade and being bitches we could not come up with any agreement as to who was going first. Well, there was only one fair way to settle this... we all throw on a bathing suit and hop in the shower (for all you pervs out there... we were in 7th grade, you creep!). The shower was another battle royal, elbows flying, everyone of us fighting over shampoo, who got the most time in the direct stream of the water, etc. Jess and I were more laid back then Remi and Shannon, her and I just sat there and did our own thing while those two fought tooth and nail over the last of the conditioner. I believe Remi was the one victorious in this particular throw down. We all get out of the shower and by then Jess's mom was home and inspecting our handy work. She called us a bunch of assholes and told us we needed to clean it up. We all protested that we did in fact clean it up however everything in the kitchen was covered in a layer of sticky shit. We did another round of cleaning and Shannon and I headed home this is when I got the pleasure of listening to Shannon complain all the way home to the other side of town about the conditioner incident.

Needless to say Jess's house was sticky for a couple months after that.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Glass Fight Weekend

Here's some listening music while reading

After polishing off the remaining booze in the house the Roomie was finally awake and we headed to the store to replenish the supply. I had invented "Diva Days" a while back and they are usually held on Sundays (not in this instance) but it includes sunglasses on in or outdoors, lots of drinking and minimal movement. We get to the store and I climb into the shopping chart - walking is for peasants on Diva Day. We walked around and the boys were picking up random items, including but not limited to, produce and beaming me with it - we are shit housed and it wasn't even 8am. I was video recording the entire walk through the store - this I can not upload due to the identities of my characters being compromised, just know it's hilarious and if I can figure out how to blackout their faces I'll upload it for your enjoyment... until then, deal with it. We walked around the store like hurricanes of drunkness throwing stuff around, yelling, crashing me into every pole in the place and arguing about what groceries we are going to get and which we were not. I was making crab eggs Benedict (which turned out pretty good considering) we had several items in the cart including eggs, produce, etc. Phil decides it's time for me to go for a "ghost ride" down the aisle, meaning he pushes the cart as hard as he could and sends me down the empty aisle. This results in me crashing into a large pole and my Roomie sticking out his foot at the same time to "save" me. This maneuver causes the cart to flip over, shit flew every where and I do a somersault out of the cart, all the groceries are scattered on top of me and all over the floor. The eggs we're ruined at this point (obviously), every single one was cracked, so our next move is back to the eggs to replace the broken one for usable ones all the while making a mockery of ourselves. Still to this day, I have no idea why I'm still allowed back in this store... I've done crazy shit like this time and time again and never a word has been said to me nor do I know why we weren't asked to leave at all on this particular day -  this was by far the best trip ever.

We get back to the house and continue to drink, Phil makes the statement that "we" have to go pick up Fitzy from the airport sometime later in the day. We come up with brilliant/drunk ideas as to how we were going to get her and decided that she couldn't be mad at us for being drunk assholes if we get her in a limo. We were so very very wrong. I was in and out of random sleep planking all about the house (this is a usual thing - I can pretty much fall asleep anywhere) and in between mini sleep sessions I'd wake up do more shots with the boys and continue on with the day. When Fitzy got home - me, Phil and Roomie were all passed out outside, she was not happy to say the least. She walked in like a volcano/tornado/buzz saw combo that we were not prepared for, she also had Todd following in behind her (he had picked her up because she was so pissed at us. Those 2 ended up going to a pool party for a few hours to blow off some steam). Fitzy was yelling and getting in all of our faces because we had destroyed the house and apparently had a glass fight while in blackout mode because there was glass everywhere... not joking, fucking everywhere! She had every reason to be as pissed as she was but the 3 of us were still in a drunken stupor and couldn't figure out what the problem was and as you can imagine this infuriated her even more. Phil vanishes, Roomie vanishes, leaving me, Fitzy and Todd in the kitchen yelling at each other, well Fitzy and I were yelling and no one was paying any mind to Todd. I'm not really sure how the conversation went but I do remember telling her she was over reacting... this sent her even more over the top. After fighting with her for what seemed like eternity I too decided to vanish and packed the dogs into the car and headed over to the Roomies (I had not lived there at the time). I shouldn't have been driving AT all! Binge drinking sorrow after sorrow away for 2 whole days straight, I wasn't thinking properly. In my less than 2 mile drive to the Roomies I decided to head back to Fitzys and do... I have not fucking clue... what I ended up doing is walking through the door, grabbing the broom and randomly sweeping glass up. Her and I start yelling and carrying on and I leave for the last time of the night. I get to the Roomies and he and I continue to drink and talk about what the fuck just went down then my phone starts ringing off the hook. It's Fitzy. Apparently while her and I were throwing down Phil snuck out of the house and no one knew where he was and he didn't take his phone so they had assumed he came with me and the Roomie to resume drinking. They ended up finding him at the bar around the corner talking to the bartender about his problem, cliche, I know. I'm not sure exactly what had happened after that because I wasn't there, but the night ended with Fitzy turning into Mohamed Ali and punching Phil in the face a couple times.

I wake up the next morning pretty early, face down on the floor and wearing only my bathing suit and a tee shirt. Seeing as this weekend was such a shit show... I wouldn't expect anything less. I rounded up my pups and head home for the day. Before I even get out of the drive way I realize I need gas or I'm not making it home. Awesome. I head to the gas station and get out of the wearing the same outfit I had woken up in and high heals (because that's all I had). Of course, at the very moment I step out of the car to pump only the necessary amount of gas to get home and 5 cars pull up all of them are staring at the hot mess which is yours truly. Fucking spectacular. This day was know as pant-less Sunday, I was so sad about Fitzy and Phil leaving, the conversation I didn't remember I had with Matthew and the fight Fitzy and I got in to the night before. I was a mess, disheveled in a way I hadn't ever experienced before. I got home and could barely make it to my bed, I guess being full of self pity makes it difficult to do... well... anything. I change out of my bathing suit and into underwear and an over sized shirt and proceed to watch every sad movie I own, pushing me into a state of mind I don't care to revisit. Every movie and relationship I had applied to my own life even if it didn't apply to any situation or relationship, I made it fit and loathed the fact I was doing it. I felt as pathetic as I was acting. All day long pants were not an option, I walked my dogs with no pants on, went to the store to get booze (it was Wal-Mart so I fit right in). I was quite the shit show, and I'm not one for dramatics but I was full blown nut job. I kept telling myself how pathetic I was for feeling sorry for myself, what a fool I had been for thinking Matthew and I would ever be anything and kept calling myself "one of those girls". It was pretty bad. Phil had called me a few times but I didn't have the energy to pick up the phone laying right next to me, so he heytell'ed me (which is a sick app... if you don't have it, you should. It's a voice text message basically) saying that it's all said and done now and it's comical at this point. They wanted me to come over and have dinner with them but the catch was that Todd would be there. I told them thanks but no thanks. Phil had said something to make me feel guilty for not going because we all had limited time with each other so I maned up and put pants on and headed over. I walk in and they still thought I wasn't coming so they were a bit surprised to see me. I sit down and start talking about the night before, ignoring Todd every time he'd open his mouth - I was there for Fitzy and Phil and the only reason I had agreed to even come near Todd was due to extraordinary circumstances. Fitzy and I go inside and have a quick conversation (not in front of the guys) about what had went down with Matthew and I and since her and Phil have been together pretty much since birth she had zero advice. Her and I went back outside and reminisced about our hilarious times together then I went home to continue my sulking.

Friday, October 7, 2011

The Summer of Junior Year

That being said, there was no fucking way I was gonna be stuck in the country, almost an hour away from all my friends! Arguing that point with my father was a losing battle, I had already done too much to promise I'd never do it again. I did however have my best friend come with me and live with me for the summer. We will call her 'Lisa' because of the movie Girl, Interrupted - this is her favorite movie, but there are a few more reasons as well. She is a very emotional person, scared to take risks because she can only think of the negative out comes, very loving and warm, but also keeps distances between herself and others. Except when it came to me, her and I knew every single little sick and twisted detail about our lives and we never once threw it in each others face, no matter how upset or hurt we were. That was the first time I had experienced someone like her - someone who just listens instead of lectures or try to "fix" your problem. I on the other hand, pushed her to her absolute breaking point, I wasn't as passive with letting her be afraid of herself. I felt that if she would just let go, live a little, and have some fun - That all the voices inside of her would stop telling her things weren't possible. My aunt was also going to be there too. We will call her 'Maggie', simply because when we were kids we fought all the time and I had a Maggie Simpson doll (she had a hard plastic head) and 'Maggie' did something to piss me off so I clubbed her with it. Even though we were little kids we both remember this time very well. I assuming because she cried a lot and I got I big trouble for it.

This summer our search for shenanigans was is full force!!

My grandparents had build a 'play house' in back for us to chill in and have our own space. This thing was huge! It looked like a mini replica of their house, this thing stood about 20-30 ft high, 400 sq ft. It had a screened in front porch, loft and a room filled with couches, desks, TVs - whatever other crap we decided we needed. Maggie, Lisa and I lived in there the entire summer, best part about it was it's located about 50-60 yards from the house. Before leaving our home town Lisa grabbed her dads stash along with her clothes. We were ready to rock and roll! Maggie lived and went to school there so we always had people to chill with. I'm sure the order of events may be jumbled, lets face it between the booze, drugs and good times - it all blended together. Dan was a couple years older then us and lived around the corner so he would always would come and pick us up and cart us around - cut and dry, he did whatever we asked. He would bring along his 2 guy friends CJ and Josh and we would all go on their motorcycles and cruise around together. I happened to think Josh was good looking so I claimed him as my biking buddy. He was about 6 ft, blue eyes, light brown hair, athletic build (he was a farmin' boy). I would also shamelessly flirt with him when we would all be hanging out even though I knew he had a girl friend, he didn't pay much attention to me making passes at him. We would all hang out at CJ's house and the boys would make us go their to watch them in the garage fixing up their cars. Dan was not good looking by any means, but he was always nice, funny and in a good mood. He maybe weighed 170lbs and stood about 6' 5ish, blue eyes, blonde hair that was always a hot mess. He had a thing for Lisa and would always make her ride with him. I'll tell ya one thing; Lisa could care less. CJ was the hound of the group. He had a girl friend and was always bragging about how he hooked up with a bunch of other chicks. He wasn't very good looking either, he was 5' 9ish, heavy set, sandy brown hair, he was kind of a dick. Maggie went to school with him so by default she got stuck with him.



Every morning we would wake up still drunk and the 3 of us start chatting, smoke, and re enacting the previous nights drunken escapades, as we did every other morning. Dan would always show up when we got up because he lived like 5mins down the road with a roommate so we would get ready and all go over there and party. I remember one day we're sitting there doing our usual thing, Lisa and Dan get up to listen to music in his room. Maggie and I are shooting the shit with his roomie and realize they've been in there for a while. Immediately her and I get up and head for his door, sure enough, locked. Maggie and I ask the roommate to drive us home to get some stuff. We get back and those two fools are still not out in the living room, Maggie and I figured we'd fuck with them, we held the door shut and yelled fire until they ran out of the room. Messed up on our part? Eh, debatable. Lisa is so fucked up, she asks me where I've been so I told her I went to the house to grab some stuff, she yells at me and tells me I'm lying and the reason she knows I'm lying is because she "ran to the house, touched it and then came back". Her and I start arguing because she called me a liar and I'm not as fucked up. She was being crazy and every time I challenged her on it she would say something like "Okay, okay, so I didn't touch it, I just ran all the way up to it and then turned around when I didn't see you" this conversation went on for a good half hour. I thought she deserved some pay back for her nonsense and she was passing out. So I walk over to some messy thing that was on the coat hanger and throw it on her, I started running around and yelling "SPIDERS!!". She ran around with that things for few minutes until she figured out how to get it off and realized what an asshole I had been. Good thing she loves me. When we got sick of being at Dan's we would go to the movies which took about 30mins to get to.I would always sit shotgun so I could have full control of the radio and Lisa and Maggie in the back. I would always do things to make them all nervous like sit on the door with just my legs inside and jam out! I'd lean back to the point they would think I was falling. One night I'm hanging out the window our theme song comes on and all of a sudden Lisa and Maggie were out the window with me. We are singing at the top of our lungs, jammin' and banging on the roof of the car, Dan was yelling but he knew we weren't gonna get in the car. We did that pretty much every time we got in his car from then on out. We hung out with Dan the most until he switched his work schedule and then we didn't get to see him as often.


After we were done hanging out with Josh and Kenny we kept hanging out with Matt. He seemed alright he was always hanging out with us when we were over at Josh's. We hung out with him a hand full of times just me, him and Lisa and we all seemed to get along until he thought it'd be a good idea to tell everyone he worked with (which happened to be mutual friends of mine) that he had a threesome with Lisa and I. Never happened. I was, to say the least, completely fucking pissed! I called him up and tore him up! I will never be made to look like a fool for something I didn't do. I berated him so badly that the next day he went into work and told everyone it was utter bullshit. Even after he did that I still made him grovel... I wouldn't return his calls or anything (Texting wasn't even something that was available) I ended up making him feel so bad that he came to my papa's house and brought me flowers. Okay, okay... I don't have a heart of ice here. I forgave him and we continued to hang out until this night...  Like I said, Lisa was on depression meds and shouldn't have been drinking but warning labels are for assholes so we drank to that. Matt brought us over to his "friends" house to drink one night and it was us and 4 other guys including Matt. I distinctly remember drinking coronas solely because we weren't into beer at this time and only drank hard liquor, her and I start drinking and these guys were being really fucking weird from the start. We were all sitting in this tiny ass studio apartment, it was so small that while sitting on the couch you could touch both the bed and the fridge at the same time. The kitchen was no exception there was a table in there and when you opened the fridge the pathway from the living room to the bathroom was completely blocked. That being said, Lisa wasn't feeling good and the meds/beer combo wasn't sitting well with her. She got up to get sick and one guy had been re stocking beer in the fridge, she tried to push past him several times but couldn't say anything in fear she'd puke right there. She finally pushes past him and doesn't make it... to say the least. Projectile vomit all over the kitchen floor. Me being the good friend that I am go running after her to help her out and make sure she's okay. Since the kitchen as so small and I was drunk running full force into the kitchen, I didn't do a good job dodging the puke on the floor and I step right in it. I was running pretty fast  because I stepped in it and slid across the entire kitchen and slammed into the stove knocking over pretty much everything in or around it as well as falling on the ground myself. I'm covered in my best friends puke, pretty much head to toe. I finally get to the bathroom and Lisa is still throwing up and yelling at the top of her lungs "I'm fucking disgusting! I just fucking puked everywhere!!! Did you see that??? Ewwwwww!!!!". I run right past her and stand in the shower and I too start puking, I usually have a very strong stomach but being covered in someone elses vomit really does a number on you. Her and I are yelling and carrying on like this for about 10mins, I'm yelling that I'm covered in her puke and she is repeating herself calling herself gross, we look at each other and are hysterically laughing for another 10mins as we clean each other up. We come out of the bathroom and these guys had cleaned up all the vomit off the floor and are looking at us like assholes. It was time to leave, obviously. As we try to leave these guys (minus Matt) start pulling on our clothes and try to unbutton our pants... shit got real serious, real fucking quick. Lisa and I are in shock, Matt is just fucking standing there like a fucking coward. I am not having this shit! I push all of them off of us and grab Lisa's hand and move to the door- still being pulled at. Her and smack the shit out of one or 2 of the guys, it was pretty hard to tell and to be honest, I blocked this out of my memory for a long while. To be clear, nothing happened. Lisa and I walk out and stand downstairs waiting for our sorry excuse of a "man" to come down and take us home. If Matt thought my berating was bad about the threesome he had no idea what he was in store for.., he gets into the car and Lisa and I sit in back, that mother fuck can drive us like hes our god damn chauffeur while I called him every name in the book... honestly, he may have even cried, I was ruthless, but no one will try to put their unwelcome hands on me while  a guy who's suppose to be our "friend" sits there and watches that shit go down. No Fucking Way! This was the last time I had saw or spoken to Matt, Lisa on the other hand still talked to him against what happened, which pissed me right the fuck off. This caused a bit of animosity between her and I when I found out.   



Lisa would come up on the weekends at this point and hang out with all of us. We were really into partying in crazy locations... most of which were cliffs. One night a few of my guy friends from my home town came up to party and we went to a cliff and started drinking. It was a great time until I got jealous that the boys could pee over the edge and the girls had to walk to a disclosed location and squat. It pretty much went without saying that I too would try to pee of the cliff. Lisa, Maggie and I all head to a different location (as much as I wanted to do it I wasn't giving out a free show here) so we walk over to where the boys cant see and I drop trow and held on to the girls hands leaned my ass over the edge and started to pee. Gravity hates me and I start peeing on my leg, I have the girls pull me in and we laugh all the way back to the guys, not ever mentioning what I had just done. It was a pretty great inside joke. On another day Steve and Cody took all of us to a different place where there was a waterfall and we all went cliff jumping. If I were to elaborate as to how many things we did that could have killed us that summer... we'd all look like nut cases. We had fun regardless of anything or anyone.

Honestly, until now I had totally forgotten about this date that Cody and I had, it was probably one of the nicer, most thought out dates I've ever had. He packed up a picnic basket and took me to a water fall somewhere in the woods and we sat in the middle of the waterfall on this big rock and enjoy our lunch. If you've ever seen Ugly Truth the scene where they are having a picnic in the woods by a waterfall... it was like that but way more beautiful.



As the saying goes, all good things must come to an end and it did. We wrapped up the summer, packed up our shit, said our goodbyes and went home.