"The Ex" NY
These next few are going to be a bit longer then usual, due to the amount of back up story that needs to be shared. Before I get to the good stuff you all need to understand the dynamic of me and my long term ex boyfriend. To keep it simple we will refer to his as "The Ex" and as pathetic as it sounds I have not had a boyfriend since, there's been a couple guys, but those are both a different story.
The Ex and I had got together when we were kids, we met when I was 14 working at BK and he always came in with a bunch of kids I went to school with after playing football or whatnot. He didn't go to the same school as me and all of our friends, he went to a private school because he got a scholarship to an all boys military school. He was really shy in the begining and for those who know me know that I do not know the meaning of the word - never have. I liked though, he let me take center stage in all of our conversations. He thought I was not only the nicest person he'd ever met but he found me hilarious too... I'm only one of those 2 things now - you can pick which one you prefer.
Wasn't until the year after we origionally met that we became high school sweethearts, it couldn't have been better, I was a cheerleader and he played football. We went to the same parties and could hang with the best of em'. After a while we ended up doing the usual couple thing and hanging out all the time but like everything things changed. He started acting like a sketch ball and would invite me over only to leave me hanging with his dad or whatever. I'm not that kinda girl, needless to say we broke up, we'll save those exact details for another story as well.
We ended up getting back together a year later after we graduated. Things we're back to normal, our typical thing, being awesome and having fun. Things that had transpired the year previous made the need to get out of my parents house a necessity. Well, I made a HUGE mistake! I asked if he wanted to get an apartment together and do our own thing. I thought "What could it hurt? We already spend the majority of our time together... this is a no brainer". We moved into an apartment building and little did we know that the previous owner (8 floors, 4 apartments per floor) only rented to senior citizens, up until the new owner purchased it that year. We were the first tenants to move in not attached to an oxygen tank. I made friends with Ted and Mary (real names, I highly doubt they mind) who always sat in the lobby right as you walked in. To say it was all bad would be a lie, we had some great times, we learned how to be adults together. At the time I worked at my friends' dads' bar 3-4 days a week the rest of the time was spent doing crazy shit and having a good time.
The name of her dads bar was Deacons', it also happened to be his nickname as well, so that's what we will call her.
Mean while, The Ex worked at a bank and fucking hated it! He really hated the fact I made hand over fist what he made and yet he was busting his balls and I was having play time with my friends both in and out of work. He was to the point he was a grumpy ass when he got home and found every single little thing to pick a fight over. I knew me making more money and having more free time bothered him and even though it was not my fault I still felt bad for him. So for awhile I tried to coddle his hurt feelings and did a couple extra things around the house, like the laundry, dishes, cleaning, dinner (which isn't much of a chore because I actually enjoy it) and before we get on some crazy assumption that I did everything - I didn't. I just happened to do it more often.
One day in the summer, I only remember the season because me and Deacon would always play tennis after a few smokes and coffee, what we liked to call "breakfast of champions". Her and I were out and about all day and since she dated a total loser control freak (yes, he will be in a future story or 2, but thankfully she pulled her head out of her ass and dumped him) we were probably over at his house waiting for him to get out of work. The Ex got out of work like an hour or so after, so she dropped me off and I stayed and chatted it up with Ted and Mary for a few minutes. Went upstairs and then started cooking dinner, for as long as I live I'll never forget that dinner: baked potatoes, white corn, and chicken. Like any person who's cooked a meal, potatoes go in first and then everything else gets prep'edyadda, yadda, yadda. Throwing shit everywhere, clothes, laundry basket, hangers... I'm honestly thinking "I'm not cleaning that shit up, go ahead and throw what ever you want around. What do I care?". Well, as I'm thinking all of this I can't help but laugh especially considering this shit show of a scene that is unfolding before me, completely out of the blue. This pisses him off even more as you can imagine and I'm not sure what triggered this particular response but he goes over to the CD case and takes out my favorite CD (Hootie) and wings it across the room as it shatters into tiny little pieces. In the midst of all this lets not forget he's yelling about how I "don't do shit" because on my day off I decided to do what I wanted and not the laundry. The fact that he took something that I loved and ruined it, flipped my switch from "this is kinda entertaining" to "You mother fucker!". I've been standing in the kitchen for almost the entire time this is going on, minus the brief moment where I went to investigate the horrible thing that was done to Hootie. At this moment I am enraged to the point I had done something I had never done before (nor have I done something close ever since)...
I reached my bare hands into a 400 degree oven and pulled out 1 of the 4 baking potatoes, cock my arm back like I am Justin Verlander (pitcher for the Detroit Tigers), and I am literally throwing heat. If you only could picture this scene: I'm yelling and screaming like a damn lunatic, that he's an ungrateful asshole and if I don't do anything then it'd be a cold day in hell he'd get a meal from me, as I'm holding a 400 degree potato in my hand. He happened to be standing next to the sliding glass door and the look on his face was of sheer confusion and terror. This potato flys at him, hits his arm and then hits the sliding glass door so hard the potato explodes in such a fashion I can only describe as fireworks and/or a civil war re-enactment. He only has his wallet in his hand, so he chucks it at me and it hits me on my side. I am pissed. I go back into the oven and proceed to throw the remaining potatoes, these suckers are hitting him, the windows and the walls, potato was everywhere! He's ducking and dodging all sorts of food and other shit, all the while he and I still arguing about which one of us is the bigger asshole. We must have been fighting for like an hour or so because we ran out of ammo and as we're both looking for more shit to throw around all I hear is:
"KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!"
At the door... I'm sure you all can take one guess who that would be. 2 Cops at the door (one guy, one girl) - my terrified neighbor comes out and apologizes for calling them but she was afraid. I told her I was fine and there was nothing to worry about. The cops ask me to have The Ex come to the door, so he gets up and comes up to meet us. At this time, I'm only looking at the cops and my neighbor standing there. Then I noticed a look of bewilderment on each of their faces, I didn't realize what he looked like at that exact moment due to the heated argument. So I turn to him looking for the answer to this puzzled look and I see him covered in potato shrapnel. I could not help myself, I busted out laughing hysterically, no one from then on could keep a straight face... that scene was too ridiculous for anyone to handle. Once the laughter slowed down, the neighbor went back inside and the cops asked that the next time we had the urge to kill each other with produce that we just keep it down.
The Ex and I had nothing left to argue about that night, I finished cooking what was left of dinner, sat on the couch and laughed again as we re-enacted our moves, however I played his role and he played mine. The next morning when we left for work Ted and Mary were waiting patiently to tease me about how produce is a dangerous weapon and I should probably not keep potatoes in my house "in case I get another urge" to try to pummel The Ex.
**The Ex is actually a very sweet, caring guy, who would never do anything to harm me. Although some of my stories may view him in a bad light, I'm no angel (you will soon find out) - that's life. We've had great times, struggles, love, friendship, hard times and I wouldn't trade any of it. He still means a lot to me but unfortunately we were not meant to be anything more than just a few chapters in each others story**
No comments:
Post a Comment